insomnia

my mind is so crowded... i couldnt even relax right now, let alone find a way to sleep...

i dont know how to shut it off...

this has to be stress...

its ok's and its not ok's... think about this and dont think about that...

sometimes i feel like a separate entity inside my own life....

how do i let it all go...

ughhhhhhhhhhh... the same shit keeps plaguing me, i think... i cant convince myself i need a break, almost as if i feel better by dwelling on it... not talking about any one thing in particular. just my stream of consciousness, it circles onto itself.

i dont have permission, from myself...

saturday morning

damn my eyes can barely stay open but i just HAD to get up. not that im trying to turn this into a dream blog but LORD... someone entered my unconscious, someone i have not thought about in a very long while, and my brain entertained it ALL night... its so weird how that happens sometimes. i guess my subconscious is working over time these days now, maybe theres a lot of stuff in waking life that i just dont deal with anymore. damn now im sleepy lol.

ive been trying to get this lovely condo on the nice side of town. my choice of roommates is uhhh not what i would necessarily prefer... but im hoping for the best. particularly since i dont really have too many other options. and besides between the two of us we can afford something much nicer than what i could get on my own budget. assuming we get this place im gunning for (it is SO nice) itd only be temporary and the second year id have to find new roommates. i cant wait til im making enough money that i dont need any damn roommates.

im in a weird mood now. . .

summer will hopefully be over soon... this has been way too long... its almost time for the back to school parade. funny to think everyone else is getting ready to leave and i still have another month and a half to go. i wish i hadnt wasted this whole summer. (well i needed the time to myself to cope, but i regret the time that ive lost, driving myself crazy). on the whole i do feel much better these days... ive come to terms, or grips even, with things that have been hurting me. im not 100% yet, but i know better than to look to the future now. for someone who is meticulously obsessed with what will happen later ive learned its better for me to start concerning myself only with the particulars of the present.

dreams part ii

i'm now beginning an ongoing dream trend where there are stupid fuzzy bees flying up the sleeves of my shirt or the back of my shirt and i am afraid to bat them away for fear of getting stung.

symbolism ahoy.

i take it back. i hate dreaming again.

when the monsters come

i realized that i dont have bad dreams anymore...

i used to hate dreams. i used to have weird, disorienting, strange dreams. every now and again i would still have full blown nightmares. i dreaded sleeping sometimes...

but like everything else these days im losing touch with that feeling and losing the ability to relate to once feeling like that...

i dont hate dreams anymore...

i havent had any bad dreams since my real world got turned upside...

in fact dreams have become the proper escape that i assume they are meant to be, so that when it is time to sleep i dont have to fight it anymore, stay awake until im exhausted...

i guess bad dreams come from being fearful in life... once some of those fears have been realized, well, the warning or the manifestation ceases to exist...

i guess since my waking life has become the nightmare, there is no point in my dreams being redundant...

summer work

i'm starting to take it as a personal insult that i am still unemployed...

birthday cards

i came from a family that wasnt always the most verbally expressive... my mom gave me a card that really meant a lot and said a lot of things that would probably have taken a lot of actually say...

ive been going through a tough time lately and havent been feeling like myself... ive been pretty sad for a couple months now. so as soon as i read the cover i knew i was going to cry... when your family hasnt been that expressive you tend to want to hide your emotions. so i skimmed the inside, knowing if i read it i'd start bawling. i looked up and smiled and thanked her and she asked if i'd read it all.

i hope she doesnt think i just blew it off...

i hope she knows it meant a lot to me... you know, i had the opportunity to say something, but i let it slide away

i feel like shit.

seven seven

today is my birthday...